Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
