Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
