i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
