Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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