The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Floor bacon is actually really good
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