It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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