I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
