"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
