i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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