I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
