1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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