You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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