Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
