Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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