i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
