You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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