so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Randomize
