Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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