I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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