Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
