Porn is love you can see.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Randomize
