I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
