My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
