My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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