Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
