Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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