I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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