I am full of burrito and curiosity
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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