I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Of course I have a pirate flag
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
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