She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
