Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
