i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
