I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
