hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
