I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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