You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
