My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Randomize
