Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Mom said you looked used
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Pooping to opera.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
