Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
