i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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