come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Too much gin, very little bucket
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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