i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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