You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
