I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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