She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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