and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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