I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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