I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
