planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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