I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
