my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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